I'm not FAT...

How many of us have struggled with their weight at one point or another? I'm pretty confident in saying about 90% of the US population critiques the way their body looks no matter how "attractive" they may be. We live in a time it's become more important to get your muscles big,stomachs flat and our skin as brown as possible. Personally, I find this a little disturbing. We quote "The Situation" more than Voltair, Plato, Davinci, Einstein or any other of our worlds incredible minds. There's an infinite amount of information at our fingertips and yet as a whole society it seems as though we are more ignorant than ever, so whats the excuse? Obesity is a serious issue within our country and it is NOT because we are all lazy. There are so many other factors that play into this epidemic that it is wrong to put all the blame on people who fight this daily battle, and putting us down is not right or ok. I AM NOT FAT!

All my life I've heard that stupid word. Fatty,fatass, fat fuck and every other possible combination of the word FAT. Look up FAT in the dictionary and you certainly will not see my picture or anyone elses for that matter. Fat is tissue, I do HAVE too much fat on my body but that is NOT who or what I am. I struggle with this on a daily basis. Avoiding contact with mirrors, tugging at my clothes and then being mad at myself for even feeling that way. I'm a MAN I shouldnt care and be confident regardless. It's a little tough to do that when all I see are images of how I SHOULD look and what girls look for. Kinda sad right? I'm a good person, I'm smart,funny, caring, sweet, passionate and the list could go on and on about my good personality traits (please, I'm not being arrogant) but in my mind the only thing I can focus on is how I lack in the physical appearence part of who I am. There is so much turmoil within me that sometimes I just wish I could turn my brain off for a bit. I've been on both sides of this spectrum and I really dont know where to go from here...

Today, I weigh between 263-268 depending on the time of day. I've made a pact with a very important person in my life to lose 15 lbs by Halloween while she loses 10. I've made the personal decision to do this again. I've been down this road before a few years ago. I weigh 330+ and one morning just made the choice to change my life. over the next year and a half to 2 years I lost 117 lbs. Girls were flocking to me because I was ripped and cocky. I got laid a lot (sorry ma), had lots of dates, and girls always calling me...but I hated who I had to be to get that attention. I LOVED working out for hours and twice a day sometimes. I was addicted to eating right and scultping my body, but missed being the "nice guy". Then I met Jenn. She is my most recent Ex gf and probably the one who saved me from being just ANOTHER guy. She reminded me what was important inlife and it wasnt how I looked, it was Family. Friends,cousins, or even strangers on the street can become your family and make you feel accepted. And for this I am so thankful to her. This lesson came at the loss of my hard work. I regained half of what I lost over our relationship partly because of her as well. I hate puting blame on others for things that I ultimately control, but it is what it is. She made me feel guilty for going to the gym, eating healthy when she wasn't and then when I did gain weight she made little comments about it. She isnt a bad person and none of this was with malitious intent, she has her own personal demons she was dealing with and I have no ill feelings toward her. In fact I still love her very very much. We both realized we had things within ourselves that we needed to work on before we could truly make each other happy so we have avoided trying again, but I digress. She gave me the gift of Fatherhood. Although it was only for 18 months, I grew to love her son as if he were my own. He was my motivation for everything, but she took him from me with her own selfish actions. That love for him had awoken a new part of me I didnt even know existed and has forever changed me.

Now, I'm afraid to get lost in the Gym again. I'm afraid to lose the weight and get my body back to where I had it because I dont want to lose who I am again..I try to talk to my friends about all of this but none of them really understand because they've never been the fat kid. So where I go from here? I'm tired of being FAT. I can see it in peoples eyes, the lack of attention I get paid or even invites from my friends to party. My name is Matt and I deserve to be treated better. I also deserve to FEEL better about myself. Unfortunetly, this is the hardest part because it isnt exactly something I can do alone. I'm not good at asking for help either. It's Go time and I am going to get back into the shape I used to be. Not for attention, not because society says I should, but because it makes ME happy. If anyone reads this or decides to follow my blog I will be posting more often and I ask of you PLEASE help me along my journey.