You ever heard the phrase "Lifes a big joke"? Yeah, me too and I never really understood the logic behind it. Life isnt all that funny to me. It's pretty real and awkwardly painful sometimes. It's also pretty fuckin fantastic, but since this blog isnt about that I will refrain from digressing into such pleasantries.
You see like any good joke there has be to be a solid punchline. Finally, I understand. Love is the punchline. HAHAHAHAHA (funny right?) Please, don't mistake me as a love basher and write me off, hear me out. I'm a hopeless romantic if anything and think love is amazing and should be cherished, but the word LOVE is hilarious. People throw it around loosely diminishing it's value. I say I LOVE burritos, My car, My xbox, Comics, my friends etc etc. Thats not love...I Enjoy all of those things, but love cant be defined so simply. Why not? Because you cant Define what love is and anyone whose really felt it will agree. Books, Songs, art, and movies have been inspired by that 4 letter word to try and capture the moment or how it feels...Only problem is, you cant capture it or see it or touch it...You absolutely can only FEEL what love really is. So does that make it an opinion in its self? Certainly you cant expect someone to love your mom the way you love your mom, but you sure do. Just like you cant expect someone else to have your same religious views, but it doesnt change what you believe.
So then perhaps Love is more about Faith than Opinion. Thats a hard thing to grasp for me a little, but lets explore this(*crickets* as if anyone reads this lol). Faith is, without quoting the dictionary, the belief in something regardless of what the "facts" tell you. The ultimate goal of a relationship is to know and love each other for the good and the bad. If you think of the "good and bad" as the "facts" I guess the correlation between Love and Faith isnt so far fetched. Let me get to the reason I'm even writing this thing after that little diatribe..
Tonight I received an Email from my ex gf full of pictures of me and her son(from a previous relationship). In turn twisting the wrench clasped to my heart and giving it a big ol yank. And with it brought the flood of emotions and overwhelming thoughts of what ifs and should nots. Maybe she's changed...people dont change...but god I miss Tristan...you cant be with her for him...I'll never know until I try...You can't just "try" you'll hurt Tristan more by going back... And so on and so forth. I just wish she would stop. Let me live my life and if our paths cross again we might just be happy again...
How do I handle this? Advice please if you do read this because I cant ever figure it out. I love and raised that little boy when he was 5 mo's old until he was 2...I changed his diapers...stayed up the long nights with high fevers...kissed booboo's and tucked him in everynight...He was my son through and through...My heart still and might always love him...But his mom cheated on me over and over again...chance after chance. I cant let go of that and so we cant work things out. And yet I have this girl who was my best friend and the mother of this amazing little boy I would love to have in my life claiming she'll be different this time(It's been over a year) and I cant let go of what she did to see the "new" her.
Sigh...Now, I'm not going back because I want someone who Loves me. REALLY loves me like I will her. You dont do things you know will hurt someone when you love them because all you want is for them to feel happiness. You care about what they do not because it interests you, but because it interests THEM...You want the same things out of life and fight for what you want with passion, Together. Like I love Tristan. The only form of True Love I can find. The kind for a child..because they can do no wrong. Because its completely unconditional..because it just is. Hopefully I'll find it someday, but until that I'll keep a smirk on my face because now I get it.
